A message of love and gratitude

Thank you, Al.

Kathy from the Century informed me of your death today. I'm so glad that she took the time to find me and send an e-mail. You will be missed by many. Often, when long spans of time had elapsed between our get-togethers, you would tell me:

"You are missed."

I wish I had visited more often in these recent years. We used to have so much fun shooting photos and hanging out. You saved my life. I'm glad I told you that while you were still alive. You changed my existence by having faith in me. Remember the cigarette burns on my body? Remember my drug use? Remember my desperation in 1999? I remember sitting on your couch and talking about much of it with you. You were the one person that I could never shock. You were there for me 100% and you gave me the life that I have now.

Often friends and acquaintances canonize the deceased. They ascribe great qualities and attributes to their departed friend that the person never really exhibited in life. On occasion I experience a bit of wry amusement when I hear people do that. Maybe they do it in response to their own grief. Maybe they just think it's the right thing to do. I have never been prone to that tendency. You were my angel and everything I write here stems from the indescribable gratitude that I have for you. You lead me out of the darkest period of my life. Somehow I know that I am not the only one who you saved. You captured the spirit of the women you photographed. I used to enjoy looking at their faces peering at me from the walls and shelves of your home. Their sensitivity and their souls emanated from the photos. You treated all of us with kindness and did not let us forget that we were special people. We all benefited from your kind nature, your help, and your wisdom.

Thank you so much for being my friend. I know I will never have another friend like you. You touched my life so profoundly. I can only hope to carry on your legacy and instill faith in those who are floundering. Too often I feel like dismissing those who seem excessively weak. Maybe I avoid them. Maybe I find myself wishing that they would just "get over it." Maybe on occasion I have told them that. Maybe it's just human nature to distance oneself from those who seem "too" needy. You never distanced yourself from me - not even when I was shattered. You told me that Samantha and I could come live with you until I got back on my feet. I can never thank you enough. I had no faith in myself. My life seemed so hopeless and I hated myself so much. Your hand reached out to me. You pulled me through that time and I'm not entirely certain what would have happened otherwise. You gave me this life because your kindness made me believe that I was worthwhile. You looked at me, you spoke to me, and refuted all the horrible things that those close to me had said and believed about me. Or maybe they didn't believe it. Maybe they just said it. I don't know. I do know that your kindness allowed me to foster a spark of hopefulness. After all, if you believed in me then I couldn't be too horrible of a person. I had fallen low - my spirit and self-confidence were destroyed but you helped me pick up the pieces. Actually, you helped me find the pieces. I did not even know where they were. You held the light for me at the end of a long, dark tunnel. I came through it. You knew I would. You made it possible. I will carry your gentle compassion with me and take the time to assist others who just need that kind word, who just need someone to help them realize their own innate goodness and potential. You did it for so many.

Thank you, Al. Thank you for looking at so many naked women over the years and valuing them for more than their bodies. Thank you for supporting us, for providing us with feelings of self-worth that we so desperately needed at times. Thank you for everything that you did. You helped us in so many ways. The only way I can truly thank you is by carrying on your legacy.

You will be missed, but even now I feel you with me. Somehow, somewhere I know you are still here. You are moving on to a different dimension, but your spirit is with us. I called Sarah to inform her of your passing. She cried like I did. Yes, we will miss seeing you in the flesh. We will grieve for that loss even as we know you are in a better place. Your unfailing support during my troubled times altered the course of my life, but it did not define our friendship. Both before and after that ugly year we shared so many great conversations and experiences at the Century, on the phone, and at your place. When did we first meet? I think it was in 1992. Thank you for all the laughs, the advice, the compliments, the inspiration, the massages, and the beautiful photos. I remember everything and I always will.

Thank you, Al. You are missed, but you will always be with me.





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